All along, I've been thinking about the far future until yesterday when I rearranged my side of the bookshelf. I realised that I am on the wrong track.

While I tried to pack all my old books compactly so there would be space for my ever increasing book collections. I realised that I am just being too impractical, in packing and planning. Somehow, there's a connection.

I looked at my assessment books I bought during secondary 4 days. I remembered my plans back then. All rhe As and Bs I said I would score, I didn't manage to fulfil any. I have been bluffing myself. A white lie crafted to deceive nobody but I.

I picked up the pile of Japanese coursebooks I acquired during my first year in SP. I remembered that I once told WS that we could study up till level 3. However, I did not register for level 2. I just lost that passion, that interest. WS advanced and took up level 2. However, he stopped at level 3, which it's proven to be unbearable for him to continue.

I also remembered my promised to XR back in the start of year 3. I promised to lend XR my coursebook for her own self-learning, but I have not done so.

I flipped the book that Joy borrowed for me to do up the Primers website. I remembered that I was once passionate and determined to build up the Primers website. However, both burned out quickly, my IT skills proved to be mediocre. I failed my club, I failed myself.

What's worse is that why is that book still with me? I forgot to return it to Joy. Great! The book had overdued for 2 years, and I should relieved that it's not a library book.

All my previous "ambitious" plans, all my past passion and determination, all the false hope I gave everyone and I, it were all bullsh*t!

Now that I think about how the cycle repeats. Should I continue this planning illusion when I am fu*king seriously walking on the wrong track? Should I try to convince myself that this time, it would work out? Or should I try to wake myself up and break this illusion?

I have a handful of matters waiting for me to tackle right now and yet I am indifferent to all of it.

I am fu*king seriously walking on the wrong track.

But I can't seems to drag myself out of it.