I am feeling angry.

I am so angry with myself.

Ever since I know my posting from HanXiong that I am going Medic Specialist Course.

I want to recourse BFSC, be in 92nd BFSC.

Yes, I failed the course.

Yes, I should move on.

But I can't swallow this, I am so fu*king angry with myself.

Why didn't I pass on the first place.

This is fu*king b*llsh*t!

I am so da*ned pissed with myself.

When I failed to pass out with the rest of the course, I know how much I want to pass this.

When I failed to pass during the extension period, I know even more how much I would want to pass this.

When my new posting is known, I know that I have reached the limit of how much I would really want to pass this.

I am so angry with myself that I want to vent it out.

I didn't.

I don't even understand what I want right now.

Consolation? Pity? Comforting? Reassurance?

I don't know what I want.

The anger is boiling and it has reached the brim. I just want to let it all out.

Talk about this to Dad? I am not close to him.

Talk to Mum? I don't want to worry her.

Talk to CY and gang? They are not the person that I want to talk to.

Talk to my coursemates? They form up part of the anger I am feeling. Now I know why Sha trying to avoid meeting them. It just hurts so much, it's tiring holding back. The bond with them seems to have changed. I met Keith, Nic and Ed for dinner just now. I just feels that I can't fit in. Keith is a nice guy, Nic is friendly, Ed is the Dutch Uncle. Somehow, things really changed. For that sudden, I am so afraid, yet angry. Fu*k!

Talk to the instructors? Staff Lim is a person I feels very much gulity to. He really cares and even made the effort to call at night when he should be resting like the rest of the instructors, but I didn't even congratulate him for his newborn. The shame is overwhelming. Staff Heng is the second person I feels gulity to. Master Andy and Sgt Ng are friendly but they are not the person that I want to talk to.

Talk to Jacob? I have the urge to pick up my phone to ask him out for a chat but I don't want to bother him.

Haha, what a fu*king big joke.

I want a listening ear yet it's me who is stopping myself to vent that building anger.

Seriously, this is b*llsh*t.

I feel so stupid for the helplessness.

I feel so angry for my inability.

I feel so lonely because I have reject myself from others, who I care about.

Suddenly I realized that the photos on my Facebook as wall photos are those people I care about. But I just can't bring myself to them to reveal my feeling, the anger.

Why am I feeling so negative?

Why am I beening so irrational now?

Why can't the anger just go away?

So many why, yet I can't feel any answer.

The anger remains, boiling, leaking, on the verge of bursting.

This is really fu*king b*llsh*t.